Today Is My Mothers' Day!

Ronald McDonald Clock - Dan Gleeson

If the YouTube link doesn't show up, this link with get you there Ron Sdraulig - McDonald Clock

Side Note: 
I have never met Dan Gleeson but he has through his words and music told a beautiful tale of the life of my brother. I share it in a story about my mother for the obvious familial reasons but also because it was a mothers love for her only son that impelled her to let him go far enough to experience the compassion and kindness of others through the Big Brothers Program. In this way, the piece of music speaks volumes about the kind of mother Livia Sdraulig was. She was a young mother who was widowed at the age of 24 and left with 4 children to raise between the ages of 3 years and 2 months old. And she did not only succeed but she jumped so high over the bar that I couldn't even dream that I could reach it. Who I am today is because of her. My morals and values, my parenting style, my personality, my character, my compassion...all her (and my dad). Genetics too, you know :)

I have to add that I am so deeply moved by the actions of the man that I want to share with everyone. It's too much for me to contain within my own soul. 

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Today is my Mothers Day, it is her birthday. She would be 73 if she had lived. She died at 34 instead. As many milestones as she missed of mine, I missed as many of hers. 

MY MOM - LIVIA SDRAULIG

In the past few weeks, I have been unfortunate to become aware of two deaths in families that were close to me, and they both got me thinking of my mother in two different contexts. In one instance it was the parent of a very good friend. He was likely close to the age of my Mom and initially I thought how great it would be to have them around that long to see them age, grow old and become grandparents. But with advanced age, can also come illness and dementia  Dealing with either of those options in a loved one is beyond my realm of comprehension. In my mind, my Mom is a perfect angel who never aged or had so much as a deep line on her face - except for the worry lines on her forehead she claimed that the four of us kids gave her.  But then again with maturity, I never got the opportunity to know my mom as a person. Her likes and dislikes. Her dreams and hopes. The other instance was the husband of a woman with whom she had spent more than 50 years married too. It made me wonder how it might have been for my Mom having Dad with her all that time in the earthly dimension. What occurred to me - like a slap in the face - was that I have never had anyone remain a part of my life for more than 25 years. These time frames simply boggle my mind. It's incomprehensible to me. Like saying Blue to someone who has never had the gift of vision.

The question that nags at me - is it easier to cope and deal with the death of a loved one early in life or later? Certainly for the majority of us the answer would be never, if we had a choice, but we don't have that option. I don't really think there is an answer, at least not that I can answer. I think you would have to experience both ways to understand, but I have compiled some pros and cons for both scenarios. 

If a parent dies when you are very young, you really don't know what you are missing as time passes. You have no frame of reference to compare what it is supposed to be like. It is your new normal and you deal with it because you have no other choice. That can be a real positive thing. If you never had it, it is harder to miss. Like a child born without the ability to walk. Your reality is sitting on the sidelines watching others run from a distance. All your life, you will feel different from your peers and society's perception of what family is supposed to be. In some respect you will always be mourning and most definitely alone. The holidays like Christmas, your birthday, their birthday will always be hard and you can't escape or hide. And along those lines, is the fact that there are too many anniversaries and days to augment the pain. The date of death, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Grandparents Day. Looking at photographic memories that they should have been a part of like a school graduations, wedding, birth of a grandchild. The list goes on. But while it can be said that not knowing what you are missing can be a blessing, it can also be a curse because you will always be wondering "What if?"

But if you are one of the "lucky" ones to have your parent(s) around for most of your life time you may not appreciate being considered lucky when they do pass on. While the case may be made that you were fortunate enough to have had a generation or two to get to know them as people, there is certainly that much more to miss. It would be infinitely harder to adjust to a new way of living after having them around to share decades of traditions. The first years have to be particularly difficult trying to break old habits. Picking up the phone to call them, to invite them, to share with them. And there would be so many reminders of them everywhere. So many pictures, so many times for their names to come up in conversation, recalling moments in life with casual conversation. I am sorry but I would be willing to give that pain a spin around the block just to try it out. 

I recognize that it is hard to break a lifelong habit. But I have to say that I would rather have the precious memories to hold onto rather than the blank slate that only my imagination can fill. But that's just me.