Sass Jordan: I Want to Believe
I know that some people are not going to be too happy with me making this public admission but I don't think it is something to hide from or be ashamed of. Since the end of December 2011 I have been suffering from the big "D". Depression. Partly unaware, partly denial, I did not seek active treatment until March of 2012. Thinking back to the early part of the year, there were signs that I was falling into the depths. But in the confusion of my mind I did not see it and no one else saw enough of the pieces of the puzzle to understand the whole picture. I didn't hide anything intentionally, I've always been a private person who battled life on my own.
I wish I could count on one hand how many setbacks I have suffered since that time. Again, hindsight having 20/20 vision, most were not that catastrophic as they seemed at the time. But that is neither here nor there...in my fragile mental state these glitches seemed insurmountable and overwhelming. I had professional support, I told those that I felt I had made suffer through my struggles what I was trying to deal with. I didn't make announcements but I screamed for help in my own cryptic way. Some people heard and were there for me. Thank you to them.
Some people have run, tails between their legs. I'm sorry for you but glad for me that I have had the opportunity to see your true colours before I invested too much more time with you.
There was something I read that really hit home with me..."I may have gone off the deep end, but to be fair, I was treading water to start with." In my life, I think I have dealt with a lot of tragedy and misfortune in my life. And I have overcome and faced most obstacle essentially on my own. I have learned to rely on myself because there really was no one else there. That was my reality. Anyways, people have always said I was strong and recently I have been really bothered by that. I don't feel strong...at all!
But I get it now....I was never strong. What you saw was Stubborness and Fight. Don't wrong my family I will stand and fight to protect them with everything I have. I will bend over backwards and give everything that I have, every fibre of my being to shelter them from pain. And it wasn't just my kids, it was anyone and anything I cared about and that included the kids at work. And I did it without fear. I thought my wall was big enough and strong enough to protect me.
Do what you want to me but leave them alone! And that simple sentence was my downfall; (this is good shit, someone should be writing it down lol). They (work supervisors at the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board) attacked me. They attacked my personality, my integrity, my belief system, my stubborness, my drive, my wall. They crumbled my wall, bit by bit over the years. And I let them because I had faith in the goodness of humanity that hid behind the cloak of Catholicity and Diversity. They preached acceptance...but in the end....they didn't accept me. I had fear, I didn't stand up for myself, they broke me until I didn't have any faith or hope and I believed them that I was no good. And I am still afraid. Driving past any school physically sickens me.
I need more time to get a grip and stop spinning my wheels. Or at least time to turn this old jalopy around and throw mud up in there face for a change!
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